For this event, I decided to explore spaces that affect me in ways that I feel are no longer typical.
These are pictures and recordings of people, places, and things that relate to this experience.
After years of addiction and chaos, I suddenly started a different chapter (this was 4 years ago). Although the
substances disappeared abruptly, much else stayed. My reactions to some
environments had already been permanently rewired, and I sometimes find myself vigorously reminded of this scattering of my neural pathways. Although the old
stimuli are long gone, the connections they created in my mind are all
too present. Such small things can now trigger so many memories: from
trauma to euphoria, but nothing in-between.
My relationship to soundscapes has changed because of this. In
certain spaces, I completely lose autonomy over my interpretation and
processing of my environment - my mind becomes stuck in footprints of
past experiences and it can’t pull itself out. In crowds, bars, parties,
my own neighbourhood... my brain becomes fixated on small movements,
distant sounds from the
conversation across the room —I can’t concentrate on what’s in front of
me — every single tone evokes it’s own microcosm of memories and I can’t
find my way out.
Why did he get up?
They look like they haven’t slept in days.
What is he doing in the bathroom?
Do they have a cold? Why is their nose running?
Is that his second glass of wine? I wonder how many he drinks before he starts thinking about drugs.
They just walked out the backdoor together —who are they meeting?
These two are staring at each other… I wonder who will hit first.
Everyone seems to want to talk to him. He must be the one working this bar.
I recognize him. And her. And them too. I wonder if they remember me. Maybe they do and they're embarrassed. Maybe that’s why they looked away
They look like they haven’t slept in days.
What is he doing in the bathroom?
Do they have a cold? Why is their nose running?
Is that his second glass of wine? I wonder how many he drinks before he starts thinking about drugs.
They just walked out the backdoor together —who are they meeting?
These two are staring at each other… I wonder who will hit first.
Everyone seems to want to talk to him. He must be the one working this bar.
I recognize him. And her. And them too. I wonder if they remember me. Maybe they do and they're embarrassed. Maybe that’s why they looked away
In any crowd where there is liquor, my brain jumps to the world I used
to live in, stuck in thoughts I expected would be long gone by now.
It’s almost like I’m thrown into a drug-induced paranoia, but without
the drugs. The world around me takes over full control of my nervous
system and I lose my capacity to process stimuli neurotypically — the
space starts happening to me. The chaos of those years jumps back into
my life, except it is all happening between my ears, and the only way to
stop it is to leave. But sometimes I can’t get away. I
seek out these places. Sometimes I need to revisit old traumas, memories
of violence — souvenirs I thought I wanted to forget. These are a few of them, many of which I still move through on a daily basis - places that carry with them an affect that directs my own.
Jesse, thank you so much for sharing this. It's beautiful: the way you articulte the affects of spatiality as they condition and re-condition the movement and thought, and how the movement of the body conditions those environments in return. Specifically thinking through the relation between affects of trauma, and its effect on neurotypicality. I loved the way you express the soundscape and its power on how movement occurs as well, and infused with these beautiful images of Montreal spaces gives a strong sense of something poetic here, more-than language can express, even though you also write it so beautifully and precisely.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Nasrin. That means a lot!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jesse. Something interesting happens in the break (passage) between the images, the words, the non-images and the non-words. I don't know what I'm hearing (and you meant) but it escapes me.
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