can absence be a proposition?

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can absence be a proposition? 

reading posts about the event on sunday, i feel a deep regret for not being there. why did i not show up? what quiet rebellion with no witness did i enact? for what ‘cause’? and what excuse will i select to rationalize my absence? there were, of course, reasons:

“i had to work.”

“plus, it was raining.” 

“and… i felt ill.”

etc.

or could i possibly sit with the self-rejection that preemptively refuses to let any of You reject me, first? 

(if i don’t profess my love, i can’t be unrequited. right? ))))))

pour l’angoisse d’amour: elle est la crainte d’un deuil qui a déjà eu lieu, dès l’origine de l’amour, dès le moment où j’ai été ravi. Il faudrait que quelqu’un puisse me dire : “ne soyez plus angoissé, vous l’avez déjà perdu(e).” 

in other words: too good to be true, sort of thing. you’re all too good to be true (what does that say about my expectations for sociality? what i’ve been trained to expect? it doesn’t look good for me, with this attitude. i know. but…)

WHAT IF i can’t stay? (fear of non-duration) 

Me: "after all, with no status i have no security. i’ve been forced to leave too many chosen families already. Visas are the enemy of relation. I can’t endure that again." (dur = ‘hard’)

WHAT IF i say something stupid? (fear of being known to be un-knowing) 

Me: "after all, the odds of this happening are very high, being what i am: a little bit stupid, a little privileged (a lot privileged, aka: unable to hear certain frequencies and timbres of life)"

WHAT IF my contribution is unbidden? (fear of being unwanted)

Me: "after all, i’m not really a student in this class, even though i’ve been invited again and again and again. i’m still just tagging along, sort of like a leech after a swim in the pond"

WHAT IF… 

so many hypothetical hurdles to keep me from the very thing i want most. 

and when we speak of desire as production rather than lack, i notice that i desire this notion of desire in the sense that i lack it (which is different from lacking a full understanding of it, which i also lack). which is a funny dilemma. or, in other words, while i feel strongly that desire construed as lack is deeply dangerous and can only lead to violent repudiations and appropriations of others, i also feel painfully that the shift from absence to production on both the micro and macro levels is more than just a matter of naming, of simply describing it differently. doing the work means rethinking absence as a proposition. feeling what it generates rather than what it withholds. thank you for bearing with me, at the fledgling start of this process.

“i hope it rains, so i can use my raincoat!” my sister said, ingenuous. It was autumn in Oregon state. I thought, what a blithe inversion of joy over function. In fact, I think she would admit that she moved from San Diego to Portland specifically so she could not get wet in the rain more often. (this is my hero, by the way, my sister. She doesn’t seem to realize how radical her joy is.)

me on the other hand, self-doubt ridden emo boy over here… (HERE, exactly, here and not there. where is “there”… i was not there with all of you, listening to a thousand propositions. i was also not there on my usual bike messenger route down the path in manhattan where a terrorist slammed a truck into bodies on their way, going somewhere… here or there. i was here, in my self-inflicted isolation, safe from violence as much as from joy, where i am writing this apology. 

but then, isolation is also not “safe.” by choosing it I hurt myself more than anyone else. On my 7th birthday, Guy Debord shot himself in his farmhouse in the Haute-Loireon. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. (sorry, i told you i was being emo boy lately.)

speaking of my birthday:

in 30 days, coincidentally, i will turn 30 on November 30th. you’re all invited to my birthday party. this is not a fake invitation. i would trade my absence for your presence as the most vibrant proposition. 

for any takers, i’ll confirm the details later in the month. i’m thinking pot-luck dinner / collage making party with music and, obviously, dancing. 

à demain

luca